The English language is my stock in trade, and if I thought about it long enough, I could probably come up with fifty recently invented phrases that get under my skin. For the sake of both my time and yours, however, I’ll just offer up eight that spring to mind, rendered by Judge Mishka as worthy of entry:
- Welcome in! – I’m not sure precisely when this became the required greeting of any retail establishment, but I vaguely remember it starting about two years ago. I was struck the first time I heard it, since it seemed such a curious and awkward turn of phrase, but at the time I figured it was just a quirk of that particular person. Nope – – 100% of the stores I enter bleat out this exact same phrase, so I can only assume it is required by federal statute. It doesn’t make me feel warm and fuzzy. It just makes me annoyed at the faux friendliness of it.
- I appreciate you – Here is another example of how a perfect acceptable expression of appreciation (“thanks”) has been shoved aside for some fuzzy-wuzzy, Leo Busgalia-approved, post-therapy statement. It’s awkward. It’s weird. It’s not natural. Just tell me thanks, and let’s both move on.
- First principles- Here is something specific to the business world, largely. I can only assume some popular business bestseller dreamed up this notion and repeated it eight thousand times. I remember back in the early 1980s there was the silly “MBWA” (Management By Walking Around) revelation that everyone thought was so brilliant. Now we have “first principles”, which I doubt many of its adherents could adequately explain.
- Transparent – You see this all the time – – “we’re committed to full transparency” – – you see it in business, government, personal relationships. The implication is that, in normal circumstances, the person is a lying sack of shit, but they’re going to make an effort just for you and embrace transparency. I would suggest that if you’re ever assured by someone they are transparent, they are absolutely not to be trusted.
- Any affirmation other than yes – In my early days as a Latin student, I was surprised to learn that the language didn’t really have a word for “yes.” So, if someone asked, “Did you go the chariot race last night?” the reply would be “I went to the chariot race.” It seemed fairly inefficient to me. Yet these days, especially among younger adults, it seems that good old yes & no have been partly dropped. The most common example isn’t as convoluted as what I just described but is more alone the lines of “Were you guys at the party last night?” to which the reply is “We were!” C’mon, guys. Just say yes.
- Dropped – This applies to the release of anything – – a movie, a song, an album, a new episode. Media products aren’t “released” like they were for the past century. They are “dropped.” When I heard something was “dropped”, I think of a horse with an upset stomach, relieving himself on the perimeter of Central Park. I don’t want to be thinking of that when I’m told a movie I actually want to see was “dropped.” Just stop it.
- Bro-based salutations – Because of the nature of people I am with, I rarely have to deal with this, but if anyone ever tries to address me as “bro” or “dude” or even “man“, I am absolutely not going to give them my attention. This sort of form of address is strictly for the muscle-headed, alpha-male, baseball-cap-on-backwards dildos. Not my crowd.
- Fur babies- There isn’t a person on the planet that loves dogs more than I do, but recently a catch-all phrase for pets, be they rabbits, cats, dogs, or any other mammal, was conjured up: “fur baby.” This one drives me up a tree, and if I ever read that expression, I can only assume some 240-pound woman named Madge from Accounts Receivable is the one who used it. They’re not fur babies, God damn it. They are pets.
Well, I’m glad to have dispatched with all that. Time to relax.
